I keep revising “Pandora’s Box.” Here is the most recent version:
Over decades, reports of sexual abuse by our spiritual teacher, Yogi Bhajan, have spurred various responses. Some find the accusations unthinkable and traitorous. I have been one of them. Others minimize, ignore or compartmentalize. I’ve done this, too, but can’t do it anymore.
No amount of value I have found in practicing and sharing these teachings can offset the harm of YB’s sexual, psychological and spiritual assaults. Does a terrible breach of trust prevent me from representing and sharing my experience of these teachings? For now, yes, it does.
As a teenager I was deeply involved in Judaism as well as contemporary theology. I listened to tales of Hasidic Rebbes, explored the Desert Fathers, read Zen & the Art of Archery. I had a taste for mystical experience that my college Judaism group was not touching. Discovering Kundalini Yoga was amazing. I saw the prospect of serious spiritual exploration, supported by a like-minded community. My decision to identify with this community did not come lightly. It felt like a betrayal of my family’s agnostic legacy and of my intellectual credibility. I agonized for months. It was a great relief once I made the decision.
After a few years I could see Yogi Bhajan’s relationship to his large unmarried female staff, and a lack of organizational transparency; I was willing to overlook it. I even felt protective of our community against threats from disgruntled former members who went to the press or to the courts. Yet every few years someone I respected would leave. Some scandal or another would be hinted at. I would have to deal with it somehow. I accepted the fact that I could not be sure these claims were not true. I began the process of not just detachment from my teacher, but repudiation. In the face of charges I could not disprove, I looked to my own motivation for embarking on and continuing with the practice. I trusted my own judgement and integrity. That bolstered my comfort with the spiritual path I was on, a path not centered on YB.
I am continuing this examination and my repudiation of YB. Spiritual practice requires tremendous energy & commitment. I can’t maintain a double standard. I can’t excuse YB for behavior that shocks me. I’ve opened Pandora’s Box and I cannot ignore the contents. I want to be responsible to those I influence.
My attachment to my spiritual teacher and my awe of him motivated me, distracted me from my doubts and hesitations. But I was borrowing this security from my future. That loan enabled me to persevere with my own practice. I was glad to have benefited from it until I recognized the cost to so many, including those who were very young and vulnerable. It’s time to pay the debt.
Walking this path has been a continual process of encompassing more and more complexity. I can evaluate YB’s teachings and acknowledge that he violated my (and his stated) values. I engage with a dedicated cohort that is responding with courage to what has emerged from Pandora’s box. It is an honor to be in their company. I am centering survivors of abuse--making their voices, needs, wishes and rights my touchstone. I seek to be accountable, without denial or minimization.